| My only prayer |
[May. 5th, 2007|01:10 am] |
Dear God,
I've been angry with you, and I know I probably shouldn't be. I've been blaming you for a lot of things in my life. My emotional state of mind, my apathy towards college and my friends, my family. And I know I really shouldn't feel the way that I do, because I haven't had to deal with a lot of difficulties that others I know have dealt with. I have food, I have money to pay for gas to get to and from school and work plus enough for the occasional video game every few months or so, I have the credit to take out loans for college, etc. I really do have a good life and should be grateful.
But at the same time, I have a good life because I have the sense not put myself in a situation that hinders my growth. I have money to live, because I don't spend frivolously, I have credit for school, because I budget for bills, I have friends, because I have a kind and forgiving heart, and I have family I could turn to for much the same reason.
And I would give all that up just to feel the love I felt 10 years ago when I saw her for the first and only time. Those brief seconds I felt my breath catch in my lungs, the tears come to my eyes, the dizziness of ecstatic joy. Even after my eyes strained and shook and refocused I still saw her there. I knew it was real then, but time has a way of turning a memory into a dream. Her wings could have been shadows playing tricks on my eyes, the scales could have been light dancing in the trees. I don't know exactly what I saw so long ago, but I know what I felt and I can't deny that feeling no matter how much time passes.
Dear God, I've done what I could with this life you gave me. I'm but a fish in the sea with everyone else, yet I'm still drowning. I can be in a room full of friends and still be the loneliest person in the world. I know real love exists, because I've felt it before. The real, true to yourself love that goes beyond words and emotions. But will it be another 10 years before I feel it again? 20? Will I be on my deathbed before I realize that I've been wrong, that love was here the entire time? I have everyone telling me to have patience, to take a chance, to shine and others around me will shine too. After so much disappointment, so many unrealized expectations, and abandoned dreams I have to wonder what the point is or if there even was one. Let's face it, life doesn't live up to the stories that we're told as children. I guess if I had to blame someone, I blame myself for putting too much faith in them, because while all they have is positive reinforcement and encouraging words, I have the experience that says otherwise.
There's a certain breaking point that people have when dealing with themselves...well, I have at least...that as soon as they reach it they just stop caring. Is it possible to become spiritually burnt out? Can the soul bleed? Maybe I'm too emotional, or maybe I'm not able to create new any dreams because I'm too resentful for the ones that don't fit reality.
Dear God, my heart isn't in this anymore. I force myself to find a reason to get up in the morning, and failing that, I get up anyway. One step in front of the other until the mud on my boots turn to stone, and when the day ends I look back and see that I've only been walking in circles. And it's no fair that I say this, because, yes, I have a good life. But it's good for other people. It's good because I am the shoulder they cry on, I am the ear they need when they have to talk, I am the person they hug when they need comfort. And I really don't mind it at all. But who do I turn to when I need the shoulder, the ear, the hug? I don't turn to you, because I only get the same loneliness as a room full of friends. It's good for those people that have to take their pills every morning to tell me how good it is. I can feign a smile and tell everyone that I'm doing good, but at the end of the day I still feel exhausted with a tiredness that I can't rid myself of with sleep.
Dear God, I never ask anything from you, and I'm never grateful for anything you may do. But you gave me this life, so now I will be the most selfish being on the planet. I ask that you take this life back. I don't know what to do with it. I don't want it. And I'm not meant to have it.
Dear God, give me back my wings.
Sincerely,
John |
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